She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
