my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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