So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
