i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
