i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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