That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
