I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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