Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
