I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I intend to get homeless drunk
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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