I'm so fucking centered right now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
