my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize