how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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