She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
