I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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