Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
