walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
