I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
