You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
