Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
