dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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