i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
