i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
