did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
