i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize