Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
