I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
