What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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