Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
