wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
