Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
