he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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