my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
