I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
