What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize