No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
