today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
