I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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