If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
