What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
