I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
