its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
