I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize