he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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