Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
