This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
