Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
