I CAN MOONWALK!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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