someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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