i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
