recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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