i just google imaged poop.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
