I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
