Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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