Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
