i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
