just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
