Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
