He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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