Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
