you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize