operation harelip BJ is a go
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
