I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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