can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
