My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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