I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
