I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
