I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
