when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize