Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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