cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
